Of Mice and Evil Men

For all those who have ever emptied a mouse trap.

“Now Fluffy, listen and listen good. The first thing you gotta know about them is that they’re vermin. They’re pests. They’re filth. They spread disease and they stink! They eat anything, they drink anything. They can run up walls, they can squeeze through cracks smaller than a baby’s toe nail and they can leap and move like the devil himself. They eat, sleep and shit right under your nose cos your never more than twenty feet from one! A mated pair can breed a hundred more in a year. They’re a plague, they’re a threat, they’re a menace and they must all be destroyed! You know what I’m talking about, don’t you Fluffy? I bet you’ve caught hundreds of em’ in your time. You know what they are and I hope you hate them as much as I do. They are small, they are furry, they are fast! They are Mus Musculus. They are Mice.”

The speaker reached out and scratched the forehead of a long haired, grey and white cat that rested contentedly on a lukewarm kitchen stove. His hands were rough and careworn, his clothing smart yet dirty and his pointed face bristled with silver hair and stubble. A makeshift patch and strap covered his right eye. He could have been any age between thirty and sixty.
“You’re a fine old puss aren’t you? Just who would wanna chuck you out? Well, it’s great to have you here Fluffy. I reckon you and I will make a great team. I’ll tell ya what I do here. Let’s take a walk!”

“This was a grand old house once upon a time. They would have had parties, fancy dinners, champagne balls, masks off at midnight…. I tellin’ ya it would have been magical. Magical! I can picture the gents in their fine tuxedos and tails and the ladies in their silky dresses and precarious heels; all waltzing into the ballroom. Come on and I’ll show it to ya. This is the servant’s entry we’re in now but wait til ya see the grand stair case and ballroom. My gosh Fluffy, it’ll knock your paws off!”

“So here it is Fluffy; the ballroom. Cute isn’t it? I know, I know, it’s a bit run down but in its day the great and the good from all across the state flocked here to party! Over there’s the stage where the band played and there’s the bar and the door through to the dining room. It’s sad really when ya think about it but like the guy said, ‘nothing lasts forever.’ People blame changing times and fortunes, economies and demographics for wrecks like this and I can see their logic. Nor can I blame the rich family who owned this place for jumping ship. Life can get pretty boring here in the middle of nowheresville. There’s just me here now. I was all alonesome and had no one to talk to til you showed up Fluffy.”

“I spend most of my days up above. By that I mean up there in the attic roof space. That’s our next stop. I bullshit you not when I say it’s the size of a football field. Course, there’s that much junk and debris it’s kinda hard to tell where it begins and ends. Sometimes I feel like leaving a trail of breadcrumbs so I can find my way back to the stair-ladder! But I’ve been up there every day for years and I know it as well as they do. The mice I mean. It’s their hub. Every winter dozens of them pour in. Then need somewhere warm for when the temperature drops and it starts to snow. The attic is perfect for them. It’s quiet and warm. A male, or buck as the fella’s are called, comes in first to sniff it out and get a lay of the land so to speak. Then once he decides its safe enough he brings in the missus, they build a nest and start making babies. Before you know it there’s fifteen more of em’. Then another fifteen and another and another. Then the babies start to pair off and mate. You get the picture. We’re here.”

The man gently set the cat down on the hallway carpet then opened a nearby cupboard. From it he took a long wooden pole with a small brass hook fixed at one end. He raised the pole to the ceiling and latched the hook around a small handle. When he pulled it downwards the outline of a trapdoor became visible. An onrush of stale, cool air descended from the opening. The man reached up and grabbed the bottom rung of a ladder before sliding it down to rest securely on the floor.
“Up I go. Care to join me Fluffy?”
The cat offered no resistance when the man lifted it to his shoulder and climbed the stair-ladder. It purred happily.
“Here we are,” he whispered when they had settled at the top. “Don’t wander off now. I always keep a flashlight in my pocket. I got a gas lantern too. It’s down in the kitchen but the flashlights more reliable. There’s no mains light up here so if the batteries go I’m gonna have to rely on your night vision to get us back here Fluffy. I’m only kiddin’! I recharged them last night but you still gotta be careful up here. Do you see how big it is? Watch this. If I shine the flashlight all the way up to the ceilin’…. See that? It’s twenty foot high if it’s a dozen from here to the roof and if I move the torch…. there. See what I mean about the attic being big? It runs all the way to both ends of the mansion. I have a habit of crawling when I’m up here. In some places I have to. I might have to duck under an old piece of furniture or something to get where I’m going. Now, you’re probably wondering why I even brought you up here Fluffy. Well, it’s very simple. You see, this is where I lay my traps! Follow me.”

“It’s important to always move your traps around Fluffy, from place to place. They’re intelligent little sons of bitches so ya gotta keep em’ guessin’. They’re a lot smarter than folks often give em’ credit for. You gotta vary your bait too. Like I said they’d eat just about anything but they can be fussy lil’ critters. I normally give em’ cooked meats, biscuits or cheese. Did you know they love chocolate? Yep, it’s true. I didn’t believe that when I heard but it’s a wholesome bait and it lures em’ in. Right in. Okay now, yesterday I set new traps on the other side of that old mattress. See it? It’s the one leaning up against the easy chair. I think there’s a whole swarm of them nesting in that mattress so that’s why I choose this spot. Let’s take a look….”

“Not bad. Not bad at all. Five traps. Four kills. I was right about that mattress but I’m gonna clear this mess away now. I always drop the trap and the dead one into my sack right here. When I do my daily rounds and check all the attic traps I take my sack down below then sort it out in the kitchen. Every afternoon I come back up here and bait and set the traps in new locations all over this attic.
Keep back now Fluffy or that empty trap could take your nose off if you go rummaging in it. Good girl. Just you sit there and let me clean this up. Yuck! The first time I emptied a mouse trap I couldn’t eat for a week. To think a little mouse with a crushed head could affect the appetite of a grown man like me! Though, once you get used to it, it becomes routine second nature. Okay that’s them all in the bag. We better get moving. I’ve got lots more traps not far away. Stay close!”

“Well Fluffy that was a good morning’s work. Twenty-seven traps. Twenty-two kills. That doesn’t mean I got em’ all. Oh no. You can bet your big bushy tail that I only nabbed a fraction of them. The one’s we got today could be greenhorns or newbies, unfamiliar with the terrain and too hungry for their own good. Well, it’s a mistake they won’t repeat. Speaking of hunger, are you hungry? I know I am; I’m in the mood for food.”

The man with the eye patch stuck his head into the kitchen larder.
“So what’ll it be Fluffy? I’m sorry I got no cat food but I’ll get some at the store when I go into town next week. In the mean time I can give ya some ham or turkey. I’ve even got a tail of salmon in the cooler somewhere. How bout it? Yeah? Alright, gimme a minute and I’ll check. Yep, here it is; a nice big piece of salmon. You’ve got good taste Fluffy. I can ration it out for ya, mix it with bread, meat and milk until I get ya the cat food. Just you lay out on the table Fluffy and I will get this grilled for ya. It’s been a long time since I’ve had the privilege of cooking for a lovely lady. Me? Oh, don’t worry about me I’ll eat something real soon. So what do you think Fluffy. You and me? Partners. Mouse busters! You catch em’, I trap em’. Sounds good, doesn’t it? One day, if I ever get this dump cleared, me and you can go into business together, going from house to house, business to business; exterminating them. Its nice idea don’t ya think? In the meantime though we have our work cut out. This is a big house and with the winter just round the corner there’s gonna be a helluva lot more of them. Even now I reckon there’s at least a thousand of em’ within these walls. And they ain’t just in the attic. They’re everywhere. Cellar, ballroom, the drawing room, I’ve even seen them in the kitchen. More food in here ya see but what I do is scatter morsels all over the mansion. Like I said earlier it’s strategic. It’s mind games. Now, if you’ll excuse me Fluffy, I will go out back and separate the traps from their victims. When we’re done eating we’ll go back up there and set them then I’ll show ya the rest of this place. I think you’re gonna love it here. I certainly do. Anyways just you let your fish cook and keep your paws of the griller. I don’t want you getting burnt. Be right back.”

Later the man and the cat were walking along a hallway near the grand staircase.
“Eighteen-seventies I think they built it. It’s still strong, still sturdy. I hope, a hundred years from now, when I’m gone, this house will still be standing. But, most of all, I hope it will be mouse-free. I would die a happy man if I could get rid of them. Every year though there seem to be more and more of them. For every one I kill there’s five to replace it. Sometimes I feel like I’m on a sinking ship, fighting a loosing battle if you know what I mean. But it’s better than doing nothing and it keeps me busy. Besides, if I didn’t go out of my way to lure em’ all here they’d be plaguing every house in the county! I’m doing the public a service but do I get any thanks? Nope. And to be quite frank I don’t care. This is a vocation. It has to be done. They have to be dealt with. Praise and gratitude mean nothing to me because God wants me to do this and who am I to disobey Him? In any case I’m too old and set in my ways to change now. I wonder if…. Look! Did you see it Fluffy? It ran across the hall like a bolt! From the drapes to the radiator! Blink and you’d a’ missed it! It must have gone through that crack on the skirting board. Ah, see now? This is where you have an advantage over me; your nose! You can smell him even though you can’t see him. Now you’re excited huh? Well unless you can slip through yonder hole then that mouse has had a lucky escape!
But don’t worry. You missed that one but as they say there’s plenty more fish in the sea, or, in our case, plenty more mice in the attic! Now let’s get up there and lay out the traps for tonight. How many do you think we’ll nab? Thirty traps this time so I’d be happy with, say, twenty-five kills. How about you? You not a gambler huh? Neither I am Fluffy, neither am I. I always play it safe.”

“Ah, it’s nice to get some shut-eye isn’t it Fluffy? I could sleep for a week. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Why sleep down here in the kitchen when I’ve my pick of the rooms up there. It’s true they’d be a lot more comfy than a sleeping bag on the floor but, the thing is, I could never sleep upstairs. I’d be too close to them. Dusk and nightfall is when they are most active. If you are quiet enough you can hear them, hear them scraping and scratching over every inch of the attic. One time, I did try to sleep upstairs. I chose the four-poster in the master bedroom. It wasn’t long before I heard them. Dozens of them. Hundreds of them. And, this is the darndest thing, I thought I heard them singing. Singing! Can you believe that? I couldn’t. But that’s what I heard. Low-pitched squeaks, rising and falling like they were reciting a hymn or something. I took a broom and rapped the ceiling with it but they kept on making the noise so I’d no choice but to come back down here. I’ve slept in the kitchen ever since and I’m glad I do. The thought of them sniffing about, hunting, scavenging for food, making sex to have lil’ baby mice and all that’s separating you from them is a thin plaster-wood floor…. Yuck! No way! I couldn’t bear it. Just think. They are up there right now, where we were crawlin’ only a few short hours ago. It ain’t a pleasant thought but this ain’t a pleasant world. Well, I’ll see you in the morning Fluffy, bright and early. Goodnight. Sweet dreams.”

From the hatch leading to the attic the man threw down a sack filled with traps and dead mice. The cat leaned over and smelt it.
“Ta da! Twenty-four! Twenty-four outta thirty. I was just one off the mark. I tell ya Fluffy I could do with a drink after that! Let me just push up the stair-ladder then I’ll tell ya what happened. There we go, all done! That was strange. I was in the depths up there, over near where all the old clothes and shoes are. That’s where I put most of my traps yesterday. Anyway, I was wiping up the mess when all of a sudden I thought I heard something from way out in the dark. It sounded like some of the junk fallin’ over but when I checked with the flashlight I could see nothing out of the ordinary. So I was gathering up my stuff and was about to head back down when one the clothes trolley’s flips over and almost pins me to the ground! Now, it wouldn’t have killed me but it would have been mighty sore if I’d got caught under it! I’m guessing it wasn’t on level ground. Maybe one of its wheels was up on something, then I brushed against it and it gradually tilted my direction until the weight of gravity pulled it down. It spooked me, I won’t deny it and it could have been a lot worse. I could have been injured and stuck up there with night coming! God. It doesn’t bear thinking about does it? Think I’ll give them a night off. I’m not going up there today again. It’s time I focused on other parts of the house. They’re infested too but it’s nowhere near as bad as it is on the other side of that trapdoor. Still, I can’t neglect them. It’s my duty not to. Come on.”

The cat sat silent at the door to a conservatory that was dank and overgrown with sour green life and perimetered by countless broken panes. At its feet lay a dead, grey-blue mouse.
“Fluffy? FLUFFY? Oh, there you are! Where had you gotten to? I was looking everywhere! I was beginning to think they had mugged you or…. Hey! Well done! Good for you Fluffy! You’re first kill in the mansion! The first of many I’m sure! I’m proud of you girl! Extra supper for you tonight! Looks like you slew a ghost. That’s what I call one’s this colour. Mind you I haven’t seen many ghosts in the last few months. Brown and white mongrels are the stable breed in here. Then you have the grey and white ones. I’ve also seen some that don’t conform to any of the three categories but those are extremely rare. You get the occasional dark brown one, so dark it’s almost black. I’ve never seen a nigger mouse though. Not sure I want to either. Well, once again Fluffy, congratulations! I really mean that. When I first saw you straying across the fields and up to the kitchen door I said to myself; ‘that cat’s a mouser if ever there was one.’ Thanks for proving me right. You’ve got that faux-placid, killer instinct in your big yella eyes. Innocent yet deadly! When this lil ghost doesn’t report in they’ll know I’ve got a new ally. In fact they’ve probably got a whiff of ya already and know there’s a cat on the prowl. They’ll be shittin’ in their nests at the very thought of it! Let’s head back to the kitchen and get you some dinner. I was busy all afternoon, laying traps, re-baiting traps, checking the POW’s…. I’ll explain tomorrow. You ain’t gonna eat it Fluffy? Well, nothing wrong with that. I guess cats are picky eaters. I don’t know about you but right now I could do with some good chow myself. So Fluffy, how does Salmon and ham sound? Delicious no doubt but I’m on a diet and have a taste for something else.”

“Hey Fluffy. Are you awake? I am. Quiet isn’t it? I can’t get to sleep. I’m feeling a bit warm and restless. Just think Fluffy, throughout the house they are on the move. They’re stirring as I speak. They awake, they sniff the air and the move out of their nests. All over the house. In every room, hallway and entry way they are there, they are present. They eat, sleep, shit, breed. What else are they doing under the cover of nightfall? What are they planning? There are so many of them Fluffy and there’s only two of us. Me and you versus them. The odds aren’t good Fluffy. The odds aren’t good.”

“Things are always better in the morning, aren’t they Fluffly? Look out there. The winter sun is shining and we’ve even had some snow. Look at the colour of the trees. They’ve turned white overnight. It’s beautiful, just like a Christmas card. I could look at it all day. But I won’t. We’ve got work to do.”

“I trust you Fluffy. I know you’ve only been here a couple of days but I can tell you’re an honest and loyal cat. Like all cats you’re no doubt a tad selfish and mercenary and that’s perfectly natural. I have no problem with that. But some cats are more affectionate and trustworthy than others and you are one of that exclusive and worthy minority. I’ve had more intelligent conversations with you than I’ve had with most human beings. That’s the God’s honest truth. Why, you’re the best cat in the whole wide world Fluffy and I love ya. That’s why I’ve decided to show you something. I wouldn’t show this to just about everyone and in all honesty you will be the first person to see it. First living creature to see it I mean.”

Not far from the kitchen was a neighbouring room, the only entrance to which was a thick, tightly padlocked oak door.
“Here we are Fluffy. I’ll unlock it. Hope you don’t mind the smell. After you. Now, where’s that light switch? I can never find…. got it! Now, don’t worry Fluffy, they can’t get at you. Nor can you get at them. It’s like a big plastic lunch box, isn’t it? This, Fluffy, is where I keep all the POW’s, the prisoners of war. At last count there were fifty mice in the tank but by the looks of it a couple of them have died. Look at them Fluffy. It’s disgusting. Terrifying. It turns my stomach just to think about it. It’s like they are one creature; the way they move about, going every direction to try and get out. But they need to know that they will never get out, not on my watch. They’ll be here til they keel over and die. I’ll feed them of course, give em’ water but they will never to free to run around this great house and do whatever they please ever again. Mark my words Fluffy. Okay its feeding time. I drop in a slice of brown oat bread every day. Watch. I gotta be careful when I open the lid in case one or two jump out. It’s happened a few times. Stay on your guard Fluffy. If one does get out, you stick your claws in him! Get ready. One, two, three…. Bingo! Textbook. Lid’s sealed. Now watch Fluffy. Watch em’ eat. They’re like a whirlwind! That bread will be gone in under a minute. It’s fascinating really, I’ll admit that much for em’. I don’t know about you Fluffy but I’ve seen enough. Let’s head back. Oh, there’s one more thing. I’m not really sure I should show it to ya and if the animal rights nut-jobs knew about this they’d sling me into the state penitentiary before you could say custard and cream. But I don’t want there to be anything between us Fluffy. This has to be an honest relationship. Anyway, here it is.”

On a heavy wooden table adjacent to the tank was a cloth cover concealing something. The man pulled it away to reveal a strong, iron vice. The vice had been locked and from between the contact points protruded the feet and tail of a mouse.
“I had to do it Fluffy! I had to! This one he…. he leapt out and bit me on the hand. He sprang about all over the place but I grabbed him and whacked him then I held him by the tail and opened the vice and I…. I’m sorry! But I had to do it! I had to teach him a lesson. I had to teach them all a lesson! They had to see what would happen to them if they tried anything funny! They need to know order and discipline and respect! They can’t be allowed to…. Fluffy? Fluffy! Come back! Fluffy!”

“Fluffy! Easy girl. There, there! I’m sorry. Aw, come on! Don’t hiss at me. I know your mad and all but just let me explain. If I hadn’t mashed that one then the others would have got out and overrun me! Now they won’t dare try to escape, believe me! Gee, I guess all my howlerin’ spooked ya big time. I’m sorry. Lemme stroke ya. Fluffy want stroked? Yeah! Sure you do! There ain’t a cat alive who don’t like bein’ stroked. There we go. Relax baby. Good girl! Hey Fluffy. How does some turkey and salmon surprise sound? Hmm? Sounds good, doesn’t it. So, let’s nip back to the kitchen and I’ll whip some up for ya! Okay? Okay! Good Fluffy. You forgive me, don’t ya? I know you do! I’m always forgiven.”

“Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up my c…. Haha! Eww! No, Fluffy. We’ll leave that rhythm for another time. Next time I’m drunk I’ll embarrass you with it. Well, I’ll level with you Fluffy. It’s not been a great day. Twenty-five traps. Only eight kills. That’s been one of my worst returns. I guess the rest of the mansion really ain’t as bad as the attic so tomorrow we’ll go back up there. Give em’ a bit of shock and awe! If I could use fire somehow. Now that would…. Listen! Do you hear that Fluffy? It’s coming from the cellar! God dam them…. Wait here!”

“Oh God it hurts! Those little bastards! Get into the kitchen Fluffy! Quick! I gotta shut the door in case…. There! Double-locked. Ah, lemme sit down! Fuck me that was close! You won’t believe what happened Fluffy. Just lemme get my breath back….”

“The noise was metallic. Like two pipes rubbing against each other. I’ve had plumbing problems down in the cellar before but this sound was louder. A lot louder. I opened the cellar door and reached for the light switch. It wasn’t working. Now I found that hard to believe cos I only had the bulb replaced last week! So I turned on my trusty flashlight and shone it down the steps that lead to the cellar floor. Down I went. I had a good mind which pipes were in trouble and the noise from them got louder. They were over by the big boiler that’s on the lower right hand side, near the air vents. That boiler is a monster. More than once it’s rusty drop grill’s nearly taken my hand off when I’ve been kindling it with fuel and wood. I went over to the boiler and directly above, running toward me along the ceiling are the two parallel pipes. ‘Clank clank. Clank clank.’ I could see them move slightly, over near where they run in to the wall. There’s a bit of a hole there right atop the boiler. It used to be a mere crack but it’s grown so big even you could fit through it Fluffy. But not me. So there I am, gawking up at it and wondering what in the hell is causing these pipes to chug together. Then I see what looks like a third pipe sticking out of the hole! It was too dark to tell but I think part of it was wrapped around the two pipes. I noticed movement that clanked them together. Now I was about to shine my light to get a better look at the problem when out of nowhere I heard em’. Mice. In the cellar! Fidgeting, squeaking, moving all around me! I can’t tell how many there were. At least ten I’m sure. Maybe more. The noise of them! The gibbering squeaks. God, it was like they were talkin’ to each other. I didn’t know what way to turn. I ran the light on top of the dryer and a handful of them scattered. Next thing I hear more of them right behind me! But, worst of all, I heard something like a growl coming from the crack. It could have been the boiler shittin’ out steam but I wasn’t takin’ any chances in the dark so I turned around to bolt up the stairs. Two steps later I was face down on the cold concrete. My right shin felt like it had been branded while my head was spinnin’. Before I knew it they were on top of me! The mice were at my face and hands nipping me with their claws and teeth! It was agony! I crawled up to my feet somehow and tried to kick em’ away but they kept at me so I limped to the steps and half way up em’ I hear the same growl from the direction of the boiler! They’d given up chasin’ me but I was out the cellar door like it were the gates of Hell and I shut it behind me and raced back down here! I’m tellin’ ya Fluffy in all my years of mouse-baitin’ I ain’t never seen them behave like that. Never! Seemed to me they were organised and guided by something. I really don’t know. I really don’t want to know! They’re up to something. I can taste it! Maybe they aren’t getting’ enough food or heat. If this winter is as bad as last year’s then its not gonna be easy for us. Still, it won’t be easy for them either; we’ll make sure of that Fluffy! We need a new plan! A new strategy. More traps! More sticky boards! More executions! We have to take the fight to them Fluffy, before they can take it to us!”

“Alright! Ten shun! Entry hall; ten traps, three kills. Ballroom; twenty traps, nine kills. Dining room; six traps, two kills. Lounge; twelve traps, six kills. Ground floor halls; twenty traps, eleven kills. Rooms upstairs; twenty traps, twenty kills. Nice. Attic and cellar; non-applicable at this time which gives us a total of; eighty-eight traps and fifty-one kills! You clawed an extra three giving us a grand total of fifty-four with five more POW’s joining their buddies in the tank! Not a bad return but not a great return either. We’ve got to step up a gear Fluffy, up the ante!”

“That’s a good week’s work Fluffy. My hat goes off to you if I had one. You did real good! Only been here nine days and you’ve got a dozen of em’ already. Be sure and keep up the good work. Ah, it’s nice to unwind with a beer by the stove on a Friday night. But this is only a temporary respite Fluffy. I’ll be up tomorrow at six a.m. ready for another day of fighting the good fight. Another night, another day. Where do the years go Fluffy? When I’m in this kinda mood I get to thinking; thinking about now, thinking about the future. But mostly I think about the past. I remember the first time I saw a mouse. I must have been about nine or ten. It was a summer’s day and I was playing in the fields. There were some big haystacks nearby and being a kid I thought I’d go and climb on one. So over I go and I haul myself up on top of it and I’m sittin’ there admiring the view when I feel something move under my leg. I lift it up and low and behold there’s a mother mouse sticking her head out of the hay as if she were a bored housewife keeping watch for the milkman! I wasn’t afraid, I was fascinated. I just sat there looking back at this inquisitive old doe. Eventually she just turned and went back into the haystack. I can’t explain the compulsion that made me do it. My hand reached over to the spot where it had disappeared and I lifted out a fistful of golden hay. It revealed some heavy movement further below so I grabbed another chunk of hay. Then I saw what it was. It was a nest! The doe’s nest. There she was, sitting on top of about fourteen baby mice; each of them no bigger than my baby toe, writhing around like little pink muscles! It looked so fragile and I felt so sorry for them because I knew that in a few days the farmer would be coming by to burn the haystacks! I though, ‘I gotta get them outta here’, so I lifted one of the babies carefully and set it on my palm. I didn’t find it cute but I was amazed by it. I couldn’t believe something like this could turn into a mouse one day. From out of nowhere the thought came to me, an evil thought. It said that if I were just to clench my fist I could crush it like a grape, end its new life then and there. My fingers began to contract but then I was overcome with a real sick, ugly feeling so I dropped it back in the nest, leapt down off the stack and ran for my life! It makes me ill just thinkin’ about it even after so many years have passed. Well, I won’t keep you up any longer Fluffy. Maybe tomorrow night you can tell me about the time you killed your first mouse, or the first rat you killed. I’ve never caught a rat! Can you believe that? I suppose the mice keep em’ away. Anyways, I’ll let you sleep. Sweet dreams!”

“Awful weather, isn’t it Fluffy? I’ve never seen as bad a snow as this for at least ten winters! Look at it come down. There’s no sign of it stoppin’. You know what this means, don’t ya? There’ll be hordes more of em’ cramming to get indoors and guess where they’ll head for? Yep, that’s right. The attic. It’s not a pleasant thought but I gotta bite the bullet and get back up there and set more traps; at least a hundred of em’. That’s the most I’ve ever put in one location. I hope it pay’s off. Wish me luck Fluffy.”

“Christ the Lord Fluffy. Is this real life or is an elaborate illusion? I think it’s the latter. If what I saw is true then we can both kiss reality goodbye. Sit down by the stove Fluffy and I’ll pour you some milk. There. I suppose I’ll start at the beginning. I opened the attic hatch and climbed up with my bag and the bait food. Seeing I had so many traps I thought I’d go straight toward the deepest and darkest part of the attic. And that’s what I did. I’ve only rarely been over that way. It scares me to be honest. But it was there that I went. It was completely silent and there wasn’t a mouse in sight. I over right over against the south-west wall by some boxes and got out my first trap. I’d only just set it when I chanced to glace up and I saw, away in the distance, a tiny flicker of light. I thought maybe it was a chink of daylight coming in through a hole in the roof but when I looked closer it wobbled! So I left my sack with the traps and the food and started making my way over to it. I went slow and silent. I didn’t know what it could be. Then I passed a high stack of crates towering up to the ceiling and I see about four of five more lights! The crates had been blocking my line of sight in the dark! I was close enough by now to see that the lights were yellow. Then I…. I can scarcely believe myself now that I’m telling’ ya but the lights were candles! Candles! Five white candles all on top of thin, brass candlesticks the same height as me! They were set out evenly in a circle with about a meter’s radius. Finally, and this is the strangest thing Fluffy, by the wall there’s a statue! A statue in white marble of a tall naked man! Like one of those old Roman Empire-style ones you’d see in those movies. It had a bow and arrow in one hand and what I think is called a Lyre in the other! The whole set up looked like a makeshift place of worship! What was it Fluffy? I don’t doubt that it’s significant somehow but at the statue’s base there was some funny writing. Let me see if I can scribble it down for ya. There.”

Ἀπόλλων

“Now what in the hell does that mean? I was nearly in tears up there Fluffy! Something in my head told me to get out of that attic ASAP but just as I was about to move I heard noise. In fact it was singing! There were no words, just a low pitched series of squeaks, rising and falling like they were beltin’ out a tune! You know who I mean Fluffy. It was the mice! They were singing! I couldn’t see them but the music was coming from all around me! Hundreds, maybe thousands of their tiny little voices screechin’ away for all they were worth! So I ran! Ran through the dark! I knocked against all sorts of things! I banged my knees against something sharp and hard more than once. And then, God help me, I fell again! It must have been a rope made me trip cos I know the feel of a rope. Over I went, face down, and I hear this almighty creak. I looked up in the nick of time and there’s the huge stack of crates wobblin’ precariously! Then it moves slowly and gets to the same shape as the leanin’ tower of Pisa! - It was keelin’ over toward me! So I give an almighty roar, dig my fingers into the timber and push myself up and sprint for my life! There was a massive big crash behind me and a gust of stale air swept around and got down my lungs and all the while I hear them chirping and screaming as if they were watching me escape! Oh God Fluffy! Then I see the trapdoor and I’m nearly out but lo and behold its retracting! It’s coming up and I’m gonna be stuck in the attic! So I yell and bolt at it and jump down when its halfway in and my weight brings it down again with another almighty smash and the next thing I know I’m fallin’ again right crash onto my back and I’m down safe in the hall. I got up groaning and heaved the trapdoor shut! God help me Fluffy, I don’t know. I don’t know what happened. Did that really happen? I’ve the bruises to prove it did and I wish I hadn’t. I’ve lost all my best traps Fluffy. There’s no way we can get em’ back! Dammit! I hate them! DO YOU HEAR ME UP THERE? I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU ALL! I’M GONNA EXTERMINATE EVERY LAST ONE OF YA! I’M GONNA KILL ALL OF YOU! EVERY SINGLE LOUSY ONE OF YA! GOT THAT? Sorry Fluffy! I’m sorry, don’t go! Stay! You’re the only friend and ally I’ve got! I won’t shout again and that’s a promise. I’m just at the end of my tether…. You know what Fluffy? My God. MY GOD! That was a trap! I just realised. That was a trap for me! The rope and the crates! How could they…. No. NO! It was no trap! They’re stupid little rodents! How could mice possibly know how to build a trap! Well, this is it Fluffy. This is war! They won that battle but they haven’t won the war. From now on its either gonna be them, or me.”

“I’m back Fluffy. I made it all the way to town and back on foot through the blizzard and I got fifty new traps and tons of fresh bait. And, if the worst happens, I have got something else. But it won’t come to that. Why? Because we’re gonna annihilate them! That’ why! I’m gonna stay up all night if I have to! I’m not gonna rest until I’ve greased at least a hundred of em’. We’ll retake the cellar and the attic! I’ll smash open the very walls and drag them out by their very tails if I have to! Thus begins ‘Operation Kill em’ All!’ But before we move I’m gonna execute the POW’s. I’ll fill the tank with red diesel, read em’ the last rites, drop in a match and watch em’ burn and I will laugh. You sit this one out Fluffy. This isn’t something a lady should witness.”

“They’re gone! Gone! The prisoners are gone! The tank is empty Fluffy! Empty! How did they get out? Where did they go? I had the lid on fast and secure and the fucking door was locked shut! I swear to ya there is no way they could have got out! I am going stark raving mad Fluffy. I’ve well and truly flipped and have gone ka-ka cuckoo! But it’s not my fault. No sir. It’s theirs! They drove me to it. I am going to murder every last one of them. Tonight.”

“I don’t believe it! I just don’t believe it! One hundred and twenty-five traps! Zero kills! Zero! I set those traps in every room of the mansion, every hallway, every nook and cranny and…. nothing! Nada. Zip. Diddly squat! What’s going on? They are smart but not that smart! How could this happen? Unless…. Nah it couldn’t be. It’s crazy! Right, I’m gonna do it. Here Fluffy have something to eat. I going to do something I haven’t done for a long time: read a book. Wait here, I won’t be long!”

“Bastards! Bastards! Bastards! Those little fuckers ambushed me! They ambushed me on my way back here. They gashed my hand but I stomped a couple of them. I hope the gunfire didn’t startle ya! You wouldn’t believe it Fluffy but I’m onto them and they know it. They’re getting’ desperate. Just let me lock the door and I’ll explain. There, done. We’ll be safe in the kitchen. Tell me Fluffy, have you even heard of Mount Olympus? Neither had I until today. Well, if you’re superstitious you’d say they had an ally living there, a God even; the lord of the mice. I went to the library Fluffy and did some reading. I found an old encyclopaedia and I read of an old fable of how this God sent a plague of mice to wipe out his enemies and I think they’ve venerated him ever since. It’s his statue that’s up in the attic. Lord alone knows how it got here! Anyway it’s all hocus-pocus pagan bullshit but if I can destroy that statue I’m certain their faith will waver. They’ll turn on each other and then we can take em’ out once and for all! Are you with me Fluffy? Good! I knew I could count on you! One thing you should know Fluffy. They’re tougher and a million times smarter than we thought. I was running back from the library and decided to get my hammer from the store room up the hall. I’m hoping to give them a good old fashion head bashing with it later. I also got my trusty revolver which I always keep loaded in case of burglars. Anyway I opened the cupboard and grabbed both items. Next thing I know both my shins are starting to get warm. Then they feel hot. Very hot! I look down and there’s steam rising from my legs! My pants were damp with some liquid that smelt familiar. Then I realised what it was. Acid! So I stoop down to wipe it away and I hear this ‘whirring’ sound. It was akin to clockwork but much faster. Accelerated clockwork you could say. Now for some reason this cupboard has no ‘back’, that is it has a door, sides, top and bottom but the back part is exposed to the stone wall. Don’t ask why it just is. Anyway my eyes strayed down to a large mouse hole along the ground, it’s roughly the size of a shoe box, quite big actually, and from it comes a tiny car! It was a colourful toy version of one of an old-style, open-topped, nineteen-twenty’s cars but with a red bonnet, blue wheels, yellow and green fittings…. I’d seen them cars gathering dust in the attic years back…. And it was being driven…. by a mouse! A mouse! And there are three more mice as passengers! One up in the front, two in the back! I just stood there watching em’ slowly pass. I nearly laughed! Then one of them raises what looked like a gun, or miniature water pistol and squirts it at my eyes! It was acid! Then his two buddies start shooting at me as well! I covered my face as best I could but when I tried to knock the car over I couldn’t aim my boot properly so I end up smashing my right toe into the concrete wall! Bastards! Then another identical car with four more mice pops out of the same hole and they shower my right hand with more acid! When I felt able I chased em’ but the drivers sink their throttles and off they rocket up the hall with me racing after both of them swearing at the top of my lungs! I raised my gun. My aim was bobbling around cos I was runnin’ and all the while the nearest driver was evasive and swaying the car from side to side to dodge any shot. I had to gamble so I went ahead and pulled the trigger. Twice. I missed. That was it empty so I threw the gun to the ground and tried to run faster. It was only then that it clicked and thank God it did. They were luring me into a trap! I dug my heels and skidded; skidded too far. There was a piece of string stretching out across the hall, so faint that I only caught a glimpse of it when a chink of light from outside spilled through a gap in the curtain. I made only the slightest contact with it but it was enough for it to reverberate. I look to my left and see the string disappear beside that antique Grandfather clock. A clunky thud comes out from behind and next thing you know it’s tipping over! I sprang back and dodged it in the nick of time! The cars went out of sight round the corner up ahead but I couldn’t follow them. I couldn’t follow them because from around the same corner swarm five hundred mice! I was too shocked to move but in the end I had to! I ran back the way I’d come. Some of them leapt up on my back and legs but I managed to brush them off. There was a roar of furious squeaking behind me but thank God I had preserved enough of my wits to outrun them and got back here more or less in one piece! I don’t know if they followed me or not because I didn’t look back for a second. If they come to the door we can still escape out the back. Should that happen they’ll find the pantry and…. Never mind. The tide seems to be turning in their favour. If it’s to be the end so be it but I can promise you one thing Fluffy. I won’t make it easy for em’. I’ll go down fighting and end in a blaze of glory that will never be forgotten!”

“All’s quiet. Silent. You could hear a dropping pin. There’s been no sight nor sound of them for hours. Can you hear anything Fluffy? A cat’s sense of hearing is ten times that of a human’s. Hmm, she’s fast asleep. Here I am talking to myself. Does that make me crazy? I’m not sure. Maybe if I keep talking they will hear me and think there are more people in here with me. Yeah, that’s a good idea actually. I’ll pretend I’m having a conversation with someone, a sexy lady maybe or a sports legend. Let’s see, who will I talk to? Oh, I can’t decide. I suppose I may as well start planning for tomorrow. So what’s the plan gonna be? Well, the primary objective has to be the attic. If I can destroy what they see as their God then it will be a victory. How can you be sure? How do you know it won’t make them madder? I don’t. So, why destroy it? Well, because I only became aware of its existence recently. I’ve been here for years and never knew about the statue. It must be drawing them in like a magnet. All the holes they get in through and all the food I laid out made no difference when it came to allowing them in or luring them here. No, the key is the statue. I’m certain of it. If that’s the case then it would seem to suggest you believe it has some sort of power. Not necessarily. How so? Well, we know the mice are smart, right? Right. Well isn’t it possible that their collective, communal mindset along with certain biological reasons has made them behave this way? Explain. Think about it. Hundreds of mice all stuck together: warm, safe, plenty of food and only a single predator, albeit a sleepy one; Fluffy here. They’ve been in the attic with all its antique junk for decades, living in relative harmony. It’s bound to change them, change the way they think and behave. Go on. The statue they ‘worship’ looked to be made of marble so maybe exposure to the marble, its shape, colour, size impels they to well, sing. It’s not an impossible theory but highly improbable. Nonetheless I saw it with my own eyes. Did you? Yeah. Are you sure? Of course I’m sure! Are you super sure? Yes. Are you super duper sure? You’re startin’ to aggravate me. Oh, sorry. It’s alright. I’ve a feelin’ tomorrow will decide it all. When the dawn comes I will go to my make-shift chapel in the conservatory to pray. Then I will get the ten kilo propane canister I bought the other day. What ya gonna do with it? I’m comin’ to that. Then I will go to the store room and open a long black box and take out the rocket propelled grenade launcher I ‘borrowed’ when I left the army; henceforth abbreviated as ‘RPG’. Goodness me! Then I’ll put together a make-shift flame thrower, put Fluffy outta harms way…. Then? Then I’ll take my canister, my make-shift flamethrower and my RPG and go to war. Can I interrupt and remind you about the small matter of the mice’s apparent ability to light candles, drive clockwork cars, squirt acid, release the prisoners from behind a locked door and last but by no means least, lay traps for you. If they are able to do all those things just think what…. Let’s not even go there. Why not? Why do you think? Cos it terrifies you? Yeah. Cos it terrifies me…. I’m gonna try to sleep. Sweet dreams.”

“Dear almighty God. I kneel before your holy altar and submit to you this humble prayer from I, thy faithful servant. The days grow cold and dark, my heart fills with sorrow and my body be weak and pained. In this bleak time within the walls of thy servant’s dwelling lurk-eth a great evil, an evil that is both powerful and hungry. It detest-eth they servants Lord, thy servants who wish only to live in peaceful quietude and live as by thy holy will. Watch over us in the coming battle Lord. Guide us, protect us, keep us safe and free from all harm. Destroy thy enemies Lord. Smite them. Banish them. Let em’…. them be gone evermore from thy servant’s house. I make this prayer in thy holy name Lord for thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen.”

“I hope you are listening up there big guy.”

“Brace yourself Fluffy; they’re on the prowl. On my way back here from the chapel I passed dozens of em’! Dozens! They were perched on picture frames and up-high places where I couldn’t reach em’. They were watching my every move as if studying me; their enemy. I was mindful of traps but I didn’t come across any, thank God. I prayed to Him Fluffy. I prayed hard! He’s on our side Fluffy, I’m sure of it! We’re the good guys after all though to them we’re like the Nazis with me as Hitler! But remember Fluffy; all’s fair in love, war and mouse-killin’! I’m gonna get all my gear and weaponry ready now Fluffy. Here, you can have the last of the salmon.”

“I’m ready Fluffy. Are you? Whatever happens stay close. Don’t stray too far. If the shit gets too much we’ll fall back here to the kitchen, regroup and formulate a new strategy. But I don’t think it will come to that. I’m confident that we can win. I’ve the gas cylinder prepared, I’ve put together a home-made flamethrower using a Bunsen burner, a can of red diesel and an igniter mechanism I rigged together. Finally I’ve got my RPG. There was no sign of my gun out on the hall so they must have eaten it or taken it away. We don’t have time to test this stuff but there’s no time like the present. Don’t be going coy on me now Fluffy! Don’t be getting’ cold feet and backin’ out on me! I need you to watch my back and keep look out. You’re with me aren’t ya? Good girl! I knew you’d never let me down. I’ll open the door on the count of five. We don’t stop until we reach the attic. Clear? Alright. Let’s do it. Five, four, three, two, one. Go!”

“What kind of a cat are you? You’re a disgrace to feline kind! Stop hissing! Do you hear me? Stop hissing or I’ll clobber you! I thought I could rely on you Fluffy! I thought you had some guts to stand up to them! They are your hereditary enemies for God’s sake! You did well to begin with until you ran back here to your warm and comfy stove! I’d never seen a cat go at em’ the way you did. You were clawin’ em’, scratchin’ em’, rippin’ em’. My God you were on fire Fluffy! I wasn’t doing too badly either may I say. I smashed at least twenty of them. But then, as soon as we reach the big staircase and a whole legion of them power down from upstairs, you turn tail and run all the way back here! I thought you were different Fluffy. I thought you were brave. I can see now that I was sorely mistaken. So, you know what Fluffy? Get out! Sling your hook! Get your big, furry, fat ass outta my kitchen before I aim this flamer at you! Go on, scat! Out that door now! But before you go I’ll let ya look into the pantry. You’ve been wonderin’ what I keep in there haven’t ya? Wonderin’ if there was any fine food for you to snatch when I wasn’t lookin’. Do you think just because I have one eye I didn’t see ya tryin' to get in there when you thought I was sleepin’? I kept it locked for a reason Fluffy and as this is the last time I’m ever gonna see that stupid, greedy face of yours I’m gonna show ya. This is my last secret Fluffy! Look inside! Where do you think I put all the thousands of dead mice I’ve killed? In the trash? In a dump? No! I’ve put them in my stomach! I’ve eaten them Fluffy! Eaten them! Swallowed em’ whole! I need them Fluffy! I need them or else I’d starve! That’s something you’ve never done Fluffy. I’m ten times the cat you’ll ever be! There! The door’s open Fluffy. Off you go! Fuck off and don’t come back!.... Wait! Fluffy! Wait! Stop! What am I thinking? Fluffy! FLUFFY! FLUFFY! FLUFFY FLUFFY FLUFFY! NO! DON’T GO! PLEASE! FLUFFY!”

“All. Their. Fault. They did it. They made me drive my cat away. How’s she gonna surive out in the snow and winter only just startin’? Oh, Fluffy please come back! Please! So be it. It’s come to this. Everything’s set and ready. The attic is the key. The statue is the key. Cut off a snake’s head and the body will die. Destroy the statue and the mice will die. If I don’t succeed the world is doomed. This new race of mice will spread to all four corners of the Earth! I’m going to the attic door with my weapons. There’s a chance I may survive but there’s a greater chance I’ll die trying. Still, like the man said, ‘fortune favours the bold’. Godspeed Fluffy. Until we meet again….”

“Yeah guys, you never expected this did ya? I’m running up these stairs to strike at the very heart of your empire! My God they’re everywhere! Hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands….”

The man with the eye patch dashed along the hall. Mice were everywhere. They covered the walls as thickly as they littered the floor. He came to the attic trapdoor, grabbed the pole, looked up and gasped. The ceiling was bulging. It throbbed as though a vast heart beat within the attic itself. A multitude of splintering cracks formed with alarming suddenness from one end of the hall to the other. The man lunged the pole’s hook through the latch but he did not have to pull. At that moment the ceiling burst. Mice, junk and dust surged down. He crouched floor ward in a feeble attempt to avoid the ruin and through the chaos he peered up to see that a part of the attic level had remained intact. From that lofty platform surged what looked like a rope. Long, thick, strong, it knocked him off his feet. Then, with the same speed with which it came, the phenomenon coiled itself tightly around his body like a python and yanked him up. He may have consoled himself for the briefest of forlorn moments that perhaps it was another of his alleged delusions. It wasn’t. For he was not caught in a rope. But a tail. The tail of a mouse with a head four times the size of his own. He met its snarling, furious, fang-laden face with vile expletives, insensitively oblivious to his imminent demise, before he relinquished his words of defiance, surrendered to his abject terror and unleashed his final scream as his head hurtled into a pointed mouth filled with daggers.

Outside the snow was thawing as the sun strove to breech thick low clouds. On a low, tree-lined rise barely a quarter of a mile away the cat stopped, turned and looked back. The mansion vibrated. Its upper story imploded downwards and the noise of falling masonry seemed to mingle with a brief yet panicked cry. As the cat watched every window and doorway of the house bulged as some great force sought to extricate itself from those four walls. Behind the panes every room was overrun with mice, from ceiling to floor. The windows cracked and the doors fell outward, spilling their rodential contents into the daylight. As the creatures fled the mansion’s stonework splintered, rocked, then gave way at its weak, infested foundations. Hundreds of mice. Thousands of mice. Perhaps even millions of mice spewed forth from the collapsing carnage. The cat beheld the scene with intrigued dismay. Her bright, yellow eyes dilated and her back arced visibly before she turned and bolted into the undergrowth. The chaos settled and still more mice made their escape from the exploding mixture of masonry, furniture, antiques and dust. When the demolition finally subsided all that remained intact was the tall, white marble statue of a naked man. Surrounding it was the mass of debris that was once a grand old country house and, further on, moving with unrelenting speed in the direction of every point on the compass were the little furry things that had brought about the mansion’s fall. The mice were on the move.


© Ciaran McVeigh 2011